Diary of a Dieter Read online

  Vanessa was pacing back and forth across the lounge, stomping so loud that I was surprised my neighbour from downstairs hadn’t complained. Not that he ever complained. Or spoke to me. Or even acknowledged my existence. I didn’t even know his name.

  “I knew he was bad news. The moment I met him and he told me he was a solicitor, I thought slug, and it seems I was right. The slimy, oily, disgusting little worm! If I ever get my hands on him …”

  “How did you even know he’d called?”

  “He called me.”

  I turned and looked at my friend, Dana, who had finally piped up after sitting silently on the couch the entire time she’d been here. Ness had done enough talking for all of us. For a five foot three, slender, blonde-haired, real life doll, the woman was a force to be reckoned with. When Ness got a bee in her bonnet, you ducked for cover because you could bet she was setting the whole hive on you!

  “He called you? He didn’t even have the decency to allow me to tell people myself?”

  I began flailing my arms around as I yelled at the general insensitivity and barefaced arrogance of the man that, until about three hours ago, I called my fiancé. Adam quickly grabbed my coffee from me and placed it on the counter. Huffing, I threw myself back and lay on the floor. Dana shifted her feet slightly so as to avoid giving me a heel to the forehead. Her small frame and big green eyes were her arsenal. Dana knew exactly how to use them to her advantage. Sitting forward on the sofa, she gazed at me sympathetically with those gigantic emerald puppy dog eyes of hers.

  “He thought you might need your girls. I’m not saying he isn’t a complete and total arsewipe, but at least he cared enough to get you some back up.”

  I snorted at the idea. “Oh, what a prince! I can almost imagine how that went. ‘Hey Dana, so, I’ve just dumped my fiancé, I’m fucking a woman who sounds as though she should come with a side effects warning label …’”

  “Mainly ‘May cause home-wrecking syndrome and caution, dirty slut is contagious,’” Ness interrupted.

  Dana rolled her eyes in response. “It wasn’t like that. He told me you two broke up, and he’d called it all off, but that’s all. So I called Ness …”

  “And I, of course, called Adam.”

  I gawped at Ness, and then snapped my head around at Adam.

  “You knew! The whole time you were here … Wait a second. We were still breaking up when you got here so … that arsehole told my friends he was dumping me before he actually dumped me! Could I be more pathetic? This just keeps getting worse.”

  Dana and Adam gave me a sympathetic look while Ness’s jaw practically dragged across the floor as she continued to walk around my living room. If she didn’t stop soon, I would have bald spots all over my plush white carpet.

  “That sick, twisted, scheming, cheating, man-whoring, kiss my tight yoga pants wearing behind, douchebag!”

  We all stared at her as she ranted and cursed Brad, loudly and in beautifully bright and colourful language.

  “My mum always said that you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. I thought I’d found my prince, Ness. Turns out … just another fucking frog.” I was slowly moving from anger into self-pity and deep sadness. I didn’t like it, and it really wasn’t in my nature to be the type to wallow, but I felt it was acceptable under the circumstances.

  “Frog? Frog! He’s a scum-sucking toad who should do everyone a favour and crawl away, taking his little bed-hopping harlot with him!”

  Adam tried to interject, but Ness was on a roll. I shrugged at him.

  “You need to cut that dick right out of your life, Charlene. And you need to do it right now. Throw his clothes into a pile and set them on fire, hurl his stereo out of the window, and rid this whole apartment of any Brad memorabilia. The man is a parasite, and he’s been feeding off of you for years. Time to flick him off and stamp on the little fucker.”

  Ness and Dana had been my friends since college. We’d all taken the same music class. Ness was a very typical pop star wannabe at the time, and while working on a project together, the three of us had formed quite a bond. I don’t think I could have gotten rid of them if I tried. And now, I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

  Sitting up, I sighed heavily.

  “I cannot believe I’m going to spend Christmas day as an abandoned bride! There has to be some unwritten law somewhere about that. Like never dump on their birthday, or Valentine’s Day, or the day their pet dies. You know, something like that. And then there’s all the cancelling and telling everyone that I got dumped!”

  I could feel the tears starting again. The thought of calling all my relatives and friends to explain that there would be no wedding after all was leaving my stomach in knots.

  Adam sat down next to me on the rug and handed me a tissue.

  “We’ll do it all. I’ll start calling all the services, the church, the reception venue, and the caterers after the holidays. I’ll cancel everything and get as much of your money back as I can.”

  “And we’ll call all the non-immediate family guests,” Dana squeaked. I think she was feeling bad that she knew I had been dumped before I did. I didn’t blame her, though. I blamed that nutfucker, Brad.

  “You’ll have to tell your mum and your family, but we can do the rest. What were your plans for today anyway?” Ness asked.

  I held my head in my hands.

  “I was meant to be going to Mum’s for dinner and then flying out to Ireland to surprise Brad. My ticket is on the counter over there. God, I am such an idiot!”

  Adam shook his head and wrapped his arms around me protectively. “You are not an idiot. He is. He had a great girl at home, and he decided to throw it all away for some cheap whore at the office. It’s like dropping a diamond and picking up a rock. That’s my male perspective, by the way.”

  Leaning on his shoulder, I nuzzled into the crook of Adam’s arm. Letting out a long and staggered breath, I sniffed.

  “I really don’t feel like dinner at my mother’s. Can you imagine how it’s going to be? Once I tell her about this, she’s going to be wailing and cursing all over the turkey and veg. And then there’s my grandmother. I’m sure she’ll have some wonderful advice for me like she did when I got engaged. Something along the lines of ‘Well dear, when you’re giving away the merchandise for free, no one wants to buy the store.’ Great. Can’t wait.”

  The three of them exchanged looks. They knew my gran well, and that that was exactly what she would say.

  “I’ll come with you.”

  I snapped my head up and stared at Adam.

  “What?”

  “I said I’ll come with you. I’m not really missing anything at my family’s place. I can come to yours and be ignored just the same. Besides, you could use the back up once your brother and his wife get there.”

  I smiled at him. I loved Adam. He was truly the best friend any girl could wish for.

  “You are the best. You know my family loves you and would never ignore you. You’re more likely to be hounded by my mother than left to your own festive devices.”

  He gave me a quick peck on the forehead. “So, go and get dressed because I don’t think your robe and slippers are going to cut it. I know it’s casual, but I think you need to show them all how strong you are, and that you will not be beaten by that arsehole. I may beat the shit out of him when I get my hands on the prick, but you are a princess and should dress like one. Go on, I’ll take care of some stuff and wait in here.”

  Throwing my arms around him, I squeezed tightly. Ness and Dana quickly joined me and before he could protest, we were a bundle of hugging bodies on the floor.

  “Get off me! You will crush me, and I won’t be taking anyone anywhere!”

  Ness and Dana stood quickly, straightened themselves out, and smiled.

  “Oh, man up you big girl,” Ness teased.

  “Vanessa, compared to you, I am a mere mortal. You are more man than all of us. Just lacking the equipment. Pre-op?”
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  She poked her tongue out at him, and I laughed. I actually laughed, and it totally took me by surprise. For one tiny second, I forgot about my impending torture at the hands of my family and just enjoyed a moment with the family I chose to surround myself with. My friends.

  Hooking a hand each beneath my arms, Dana and Vanessa hauled me to my feet and marched me to my room.

  “We’ll help you get ready. God knows you need the help. I’ve seen your wardrobe. When are you going to let me loose in there?”

  Vanessa was a stylist for one of the top magazines in the city. She had dressed hundreds of A-list celebrities, and we frequently used her and her excellent taste at the company.

  I worked for the R.J. Littman Record Company. When I’d first started out there, I was an intern just making her way and trying to break into the music management business. And now, I held one of the most coveted positions in the entire organization. I was the one that signed bands and made them ‘public ready.’ My boss, Regina Littman, was a doll. I mean a real doll. The woman was more plastic than the countless credit cards she owned! She’d been nipped, tucked, and stuffed more than a quilt, but beneath her enormous silicone breasts beat a heart of gold. I loved my job.

  “You can style me when you can pay for it. I’m not yanking out the credit cards just so that you can go nuts in Donna Karan.”

  She tutted and rolled her eyes as she began rummaging through my closet. “Oh, ye of little faith. What the hell is this? Oh, this has to go. Cashmere should never be a skirt after the nineties, darling, and those shoes are out of the question! Do you shop blindfolded, woman?”

  My clothes were being flung around the room as Ness began “filtering” out the inappropriate choices. Dana had already set to work on my hair. She owned her own salon and had a line of hair products available in all the best retailers. She was also someone we hired a lot in the company. I was relatively lucky that they were both so awesome at their jobs. When I’d suggested them to Regina, she had been sceptical to say the least. Mostly due to the two of them being my friends, and I was still proving myself as a manager. Thankfully, they were both incredible and Regina was so impressed she offered them both freelance contracts, which, of course, they quickly accepted.

  “Ooh, what about this dress?”

  I shook my head.

  “Too small.”

  She groaned and threw it on the floor. “What about these jeans and that shirt?”

  I shook my head again. “Hasn’t fit in about three months.”

  Groaning, she stepped back and surveyed the damage.

  “So, what does fit then?”

  I pointed over to the closet between Brad’s and mine. Brad’s closet. Images of me setting it on fire and watching with a menacing laughter filled my head.

  Ness opened the doors and gasped.

  “Oh good God, no. No, no, no, no. Oh, Charlene. Why?”

  Picking up a long black roll neck sweater, she held it at arm’s length as though it repulsed her. And by the look on her face, it did.

  “What? I like it. Besides, it has some give since it’s stretchy.”

  “It’s horrific, and I forbid you to ever wear it again!”

  I rolled my eyes at her overdramatic display. Holding her palm to her forehead, she continued to ransack my closet. I threw myself back onto my bed.

  “Oh, Charlene, no! Your hair!”

  I sat up quickly and gave Dana an apologetic look. She sighed and resumed her attack on my unruly mass of ginger hair. I was lucky enough to have had a Scotsman as a sperm donor father. My mother had met him in her twenties while on vacation. She told me they’d gotten drunk one night, and I had been the result of several hours of beer swilling. Romantic, huh? Anyway, a month later she’d gone back to tell him, and he’d informed her he was married. Nice. Seems I met a guy just like my father. He wanted nothing to do with me and left my mother high and dry. Just like Brad was doing now. Except, thankfully, I wasn’t carrying his child. I shuddered at the thought. Imagining Brad during the birth was hilarious. All that mess and screaming, he’d have been likely to lose consciousness. That, or he’d have been frantically rubbing his hands with the alcohol gel they provided. How the hell did I fall for that freak?

  “When you get home after the holidays, we are hitting the stores! We should have been hitting the wonderful boutiques of Paris, but now that the fucknut went and screwed you over …”

  I held my hand to my mouth and let out a little whimper. For my hen night, the girls had arranged a whole weekend full of fun and laughs in Paris. We were meant to stay in Disneyland and have cocktails, ride rollercoasters, and act like teenagers again. Now, I was going to be spending that weekend alone in my apartment with Jacob for company. Jacob was my cat. He got his name after I’d found him rummaging through my rubbish bags. He was licking some soured cream off one of my discarded ‘Jacobs Creek Rose’ bottles. I tried to shoo him off, but he kept crying at me in the pitiful little way he does. So, I took pity on him and allowed him to stay one night only. That was three years ago. Brad hated Jacob. He always hissed and snarled at him if he got up on the furniture. I should have realized then that Brad was a douche. I mean, really, who hisses at a cat? What a snake.

  “Don’t worry about it, Charlene. Paris isn’t going anywhere. We could go this summer. Right, Vanessa?”

  Dana glared at her and realizing her mistake, Ness quickly relented.

  “Oh, of course. Paris shmaris, right? We can have just as much fun seeing in the New Year here.”

  I rolled my eyes as Dana began to tease out the knot I’d created by rolling around the bed with half a can of hairspray on it.

  “Oh yeah, that sounds like so much fun. Excuse me while I tie some concrete to my feet and hurl myself off the London Bridge. What could be better than getting drunk in the apartment and waiting for my ex-fiancé to turn up and collect his stuff? Awesome.”

  Ness huffed and stood with her hand on her hip. “Are you going to sit on that pity pot for the rest of your life?”

  Dana’s mouth fell open, and she snapped back at her sharply. “Ness! She just had her wedding called off less than six hours ago! Have some common courtesy.” She was beginning to get riled up. The way she was pointing her curling iron at Ness made me uncomfortable. But then again, it was right next to my head.

  “I’m just saying she can’t mope forever. Hell, Charlene, you should be counting your blessings that the shit streak is out of your life for good. He really was no good for you. We tried to warn you.”

  Now, I was getting angry. I loved my friends, but Ness had a tendency to let her mouth run away from her.

  “Okay, Vanessa. I get it. You all hated him. Can you drop it now? It’s hard enough as it is.”

  She inhaled deeply and opened her mouth to speak, but a knock on the door silenced her.

  “Are you decent?” Adam’s voice came booming through the door.

  “Never. But I’m clothed, if that’s what you mean,” I yelled back at him.

  Opening the door, Adam stood with his phone in his hand and cleared his throat loudly. “Well, I cancelled your ticket to Ireland and got your money back.”

  I gave him a grateful smile and mouthed a thank you as Dana began tugging at a rather painful knot in my hair. He shrugged and turned his attention to Ness, who was almost completely buried inside my wardrobe. Her slender hips and black kitten-heeled shoes were all that were visible.

  “We could push her in, lock the door, and tell everyone she moved. One shove. That’s all it would take,” Adam joked.

  “Any excuse to get your hands on my arse. Oh, Charlene! This is perfect!”

  Backing her way out of my wardrobe, she held up a long, black, roll neck sweater dress. I shook my head fiercely as soon as my eyes landed on it. “No. Not going to happen. Take it out to the trash.”

  The three of them gave me confused looks. Rolling my eyes, I exhaled loudly. “I got that for our honeymoon. Brad liked it. He liked that it didn’t show any
skin. I hate it. Throw it out.”

  “Skin? Honey, it’s like two degrees outside. You can wear it with some skinny jeans.”

  Skinny jeans? Was she not paying attention? Squeezing into a pair of those would make me look like a sausage bursting out of its skin. I gave Adam a pleading look. It wasn’t that I hated the sweater for what it was; just what it represented—oppression from a man who had just dumped me. I glanced at my wardrobe where my stunning bridal gown was hanging. That’s right, vintage lace and ivory silk, we’re not meant to be it would seem. Brad has screwed us both and we’re left with the bill.

  Walking over, Adam sat beside me on the bed, earning him a grunt of annoyance from Dana who was still untangling my mass of hair. He placed a hand on my leg and smiled. “Charlie, it really doesn’t matter what you wear. One, your mother will criticize whatever you choose. Two, you will tell yourself that even in a potato sack and belt, your sister-in-law looks better than you and three …” He pressed a kiss to my forehead and hooked his thumb beneath my chin, lifting it so that I was now looking right into his sweet, blue eyes. “… You look beautiful no matter what you wear. Now, get off of your arse and get dressed. You have to face your mother sometime.”

  I rolled my eyes and groaned loudly. “Can’t I just run away?”

  Ness shook her head violently at me. “Cliché and over dramatic, Charlene. You’re a jilted bride, and these days that doesn’t allow you to go crawling under a rock and crying yourself to sleep.”

  I gave her a stern look and was about to respond, but Dana beat me to it. “And you’d know what about being a jilted bride? Or a bride. Hell, what would you know about being in a relationship?”

  Fisting her hands on her hips, Ness glared back at Dana. “I know enough to know that I don’t need nor want one—too much hard work, heartache, fights, fucking, and trouble if you ask me. I’m happy just the way I am thank you.”

  “Bitter, alone, and unsatisfied then?” Adam piped up.

  Huffing, she threw one of my black pumps at him, barely missing his head. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I am perfectly satisfied with my sex life. I get as much as I need. No more. No less. Besides, you’re one to talk. When was the last time you had a girlfriend? Or even a friend with benefits?”