Diary of a Dieter Read online

  My brother was a large man. Six foot three in height and built like a brick house pumped full of steroids. I wasn’t overly convinced he wasn’t pumped full of steroids. Going from matchsticks dangling from his shorts to huge, thick tree trunks in only three months was a little far fetched in my opinion.

  I peeked out from beneath the seclusion and safety of my arm. Adam was staring at me with his ‘I told you so’ expression. I mentally cursed myself for not seizing the opportunity to tell my mother in private when I’d had the chance. Because now, I had an audience and that included …

  “Nadine! Oh, you get more and more stunning every time I see you. I love your new haircut. And this dress is gorgeous. You always did have the best taste. Charlene, Charlene, doesn’t Nadine look wonderful?”

  I raised my arm in the air and gave her a thumbs up. I’d have preferred to give Miss Perfect a different digit from the same hand, but it would only have given me more trouble and I had enough problems already. Adam quickly caught my eye and shook his head.

  “It’s not worth it,” he mouthed. How the hell did he always know what I was thinking? I sometimes wondered if we were too close for our own good.

  “Charlene! Come and say hello to your brother and sister-in-law. You are so rude.” My mother gave me a hard stare before turning her attention back to Nadine. Huffing, I clambered off of the sofa and walked over to the door. I stood in front of my brother who towered over me.

  “Hey,” I offered.

  “Hey,” he replied. And that was pretty much our entire greeting. We didn’t feel the need for long, warm, drawn out hellos. It wasn’t our style, and we lacked the relationship. Gareth was my mother’s stepson. He was Henry’s son, and you might think it would have made us close, but it didn’t. Gareth had always been jealous of the bond I had with his father, and he made no secret of it. When Henry died, Gareth didn’t speak to me for almost a year. You see, my father had left me a considerable inheritance, and Gareth’s was not quite as large. Though mine did come with conditions. I had to use it for university. Gareth was already a senior at the local university, so giving him that sort of cash was pointless. Besides, he’d only have blown it on fast cars and faster girls. Which brought me right back to his wife, who was dragging her eyes up and down my body.

  “Nadine, how’ve you been?” I was being polite, but every muscle in my body tensed as the words left my lips. I hated this bitch. Nadine Langley was the most superficial, fake, boring, gold digger you could ever meet. Her long, golden hair, designer clothes and so much make up, she could have been repainting the house with it, was simply masking her ugly personality. This women was Satan.

  She gave me a smile that was as fake as her oversized boobs. “Oh, you know how it is. Busy. If I’m not running the house, I’m running errands.”

  I gave her a confused look. “You have a maid. What running do you have to do exactly?”

  She put on her best giggle and grinned. “Well, I supervise. Janine can’t get it right all the time, and if I don’t point out where she can improve, the poor girl will always be mediocre. I’m investing in her future, and she’ll thank me for it someday.”

  I snorted a laugh. “Her future? Nadine, she’s working for you to pay her way through law school. I think her future is solid.”

  Now she looked puzzled. “Janine? Law school? Are you sure?”

  See, I told you. This bitch lived in la-la-land, and if it didn’t directly affect her or improve her status, information about others was useless.

  “Yes. Law school. She told me last time I came over for that God-awful dinner party you hosted.”

  My mother glared at me. “Charlene! I’m getting really tired of your smart mouth. It’s Christmas, for goodness sake. And besides, if not for Nadine, your big day would be in shambles. Thank God for your organisation skills.” She gave Nadine a warm smile. I have to be honest. I was slightly jealous of the way my mother fawned all over her. She never looked at me that way.

  “You’re right, Mother. Thank you, Nadine. The wedding really couldn’t happen without you.”

  Adam cleared his throat behind me, and I shot him a warning look. He shook his head at me and slumped back against the cushions on the sofa. Pushing past me, Nadine made a beeline for him. She leaned over the back of the sofa and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a peck on the cheek.

  “Oh, Adam. It’s so nice to see you. It’s been far too long. I’m sure this one keeps you hidden away so she can keep you all to herself.”

  Raising an eyebrow and casting an eye back at me, he gave her a weak smile. “Uh, yeah. I guess it’s been a while.”

  I rolled my eyes and turned my attention to my mother and Gareth who were hauling Nadine’s designer suitcases from the car. A tapping on the backseat window caught my mother by surprise, and as she poked her head around the door, she groaned. Excellent. There was only one person in the world who could make my mother feel that instantly uncomfortable.

  Running over, I pulled the door open and offered my hand.

  “Gran, Merry Christmas.”

  She took my outstretched palm and turned her nose up. “If you say so, dear. I’ve just spent two hours on a slippery leather seat, listening to Miss Too-Much-Money-And-Too-Little-Brain go on about her new jewellery. And all for some dry turkey, awkward conversation, and forced pleasantries with you people. I’d rather be stuffed myself and put my head in the oven. But if you insist … Merry Christmas.”

  Gran was my mother’s kryptonite. I always got a certain amount of satisfaction whenever she visited. Okay, she was a cantankerous, miserable old bag, but she made my mother unhappy and that, in turn, made me happy. For all the criticising, nit picking, bullying, and general back handed compliments my mother gave me, my gran had some equally great ones for her own daughter. Karma was brutal, and so was my gran.

  Walking over, my mother plastered on a smile. “Mum, good ride over?”

  I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing as my gran gave my mother a snorted laugh and walked right by her. For an eighty year old woman with a cane, she sure could move. I looked at my mother and shrugged before following in after my gran. When I got there, I found her gripping Adam’s cheeks like they were hard candy. “Oh, Charlene, why couldn’t you have married this one? He’s so cute, and he’s a doctor.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You know why gran.”

  “Ah, yes, the member of our family that’s not a member of our family. Maybe that’s why you’re the only one I can stomach.”

  Adam smiled at her before assisting her to her favourite armchair. My heart always skipped a beat whenever anyone sat there. It was Dad’s chair. Coming up behind me, Gareth rested his chin on my shoulder.

  “The old witch was a fucking nightmare. I had to pull over three times just so she could stretch her legs. This dinner is going to be a disaster.” I giggled and glanced back at him. “I bet it won’t be boring though.”

  He had no idea just how much of a disaster it would be. I was going to tell everyone the truth all together, at the same time. That way, I could get all the tears, tantrums, and comments dealt with in one swoop. And that was just my mother. God knows what the others would say. But I had a feeling one person would be thrilled at the news. Nadine. She had made no secret of the fact her wedding was the wedding to end all weddings. I was pretty sure that was her motive for taking such an active role in planning mine. The little tart just wanted to make sure I didn’t out-do her. Well, I certainly wouldn’t be now.

  Fisting her hands on her hips, my mother sighed loudly. “Right, shall we make our way to the table for dinner and then after, we can do gifts.”

  We all nodded in agreement except Gran, who mumbled something under her breath as she rose from her squat on my dad’s chair.

  I walked toward the dining room, but Adam caught my elbow, halting me as everyone else left the room. “I told you to do it earlier. You realise this is going to be hell, right?”

  I nodded. “Yes. But a
t least this way I only have to shove that dislocated limb back in once. Rather than doing it over and over again with each of them.”

  Giving me a half smile, he wrapped his arms around me tightly. “How are you feeling, by the way?”

  I shrugged as I nuzzled my face in his broad chest. “Numb. It doesn’t feel real. We’ve been apart so much recently that it just feels like another business trip or family thing taking him away from me. I’m angry at him, at her, but mostly at myself for not being smart enough to realise he was screwing someone else.”

  Gripping my arms, he gently pushed me away from him and stared at me. “This was not your fault, Charlie. That guy is a dick, and he doesn’t deserve you. Look, sometimes we have to go through painful endings just so we can start a new beginning. You will get your happily ever after. Just not with him.”

  Shaking my head, I pulled myself from his grasp. “No, I won’t. Because they don’t exist. Come on, better get this over with.”

  Taking my hand, he laced our fingers together, and we took our seats at the table. I gave him a quick squeeze before settling down for what was going to be the most traumatic meal of my life.

  * * * *

  Dinner was uneventful. Nadine spent the whole meal bragging about her gifts from Gareth while he nodded and smiled where appropriate. My mother grinned at her while my gran rolled her eyes and tutted at them both. Adam and I had kept a dignified silence. That was until Nadine cornered me.

  “Charlene, I’ve been meaning to ask you—your bridesmaids, will they be wearing the same sickly shade of pink you chose for the flowers? I’d hate to wear pink and look like I was part of the wedding party.”

  Bitch.

  I shook my head. “No, they won’t be wearing pink. In fact, they won’t be wearing anything.”

  My mother gasped. “Charlene! I will not have my daughter being one of those new radical brides who make a mockery of marriage by throwing one of those awful themed weddings. And nudity is certainly not acceptable.”

  “It would make the whole sorry mess more bloody interesting than that one’s was.” My gran pointed over at Gareth and Nadine, and I had to hide my enjoyment.

  “All ice sculptures, harps, and fancy food that I wouldn’t have fed the dog. I was so hungry after that meal, I had to snack on the awful tasting crisps they put in the middle of the table.”

  Nadine gave her a confused look. “Crisps? We didn’t put out crisps.”

  Gran rolled her eyes. “Of course you did. You know, those funny coloured ones that went with the flowers.”

  Almost choking on the gulp of water he’d just taken, Adam immediately burst out laughing, and I couldn’t contain my own giggles any longer either. Patting her arm, I spoke breathlessly through my fits of hysterics. “Gran, those weren’t crisps. That was potpourri.”

  Gareth grinned and held his hand over his mouth as my mother bit her lip, staring down the table at my gran.

  “You ate my centre pieces? Good God. Gareth, it isn’t funny.” Nadine nudged him, but all that did was loosen his hand and a loud guffaw escaped his mouth. The three of us roared with laughter as Nadine huffed and puffed like the big bad wolf.

  “Well, if you had put on a proper spread, I wouldn’t have been forced to eat it. No wonder my shit smelt like roses for two days,” Gran stated.

  That piece of information caused my mother to crack and throwing down her napkin, she threw her head back and laughed. Tears were streaming down our faces as Adam and I caught each other’s eyes. It hardly seemed like the right time to bring up my bad news, but was there ever a good time?

  Once the laughter had subsided and Gareth adequately calmed Nadine and his incessant petting of her ego, my mother cleared her throat loudly. “Well, I think it’s safe to say we shan’t have any potpourri at your wedding, Charlene.”

  Adam’s hand slid beneath the table and gripped my knee. I stared at him as he nodded slowly at me.

  “Mum, there won’t be any potpourri. There won’t be any flowers at all.”

  She interrupted me before I could continue. “Oh, Charlene, why must you be so difficult? This wedding is going to be very dull if you keep changing things and at the last minute, too! How are we meant to make arrangements if you cannot stick to the original plans? Nadine, do you have your planner?”

  Urgh. Nadine and her damn planner. That filo-fax followed that woman everywhere. Inside were detailed specifications for every aspect of my big day. The big day that was now to be completely cancelled. The two of them began flicking through the pages and oohing over fabric samples and pictures of the venue. My stomach churned, and my eyes began to well with unshed tears. I wasn’t numb anymore. I was angry.

  “Will you both just shut the hell up? No bridesmaids, no flowers, no potpourri, and no wedding! Okay?” I was screaming so loud, I was convinced the entire town had probably heard about my non-existent nuptials.

  The whole room fell deadly silent as all eyes stared at me. I gulped a breath and tried to calm my anger. My mother smiled and shook her head as she began to collect plates and tidy the table. “It’s just cold feet. You’ll be fine on the big day. Now, Nadine, you were saying about seasonal flowers?” Standing abruptly, I slammed my fist on the table.

  “No! Did you not hear me? There will be no wedding! It’s cancelled, over, vetoed, and done.”

  My mother’s jaw dropped as she gently and slowly placed the stack of plates she was holding down on the table. She stared at me, and I could feel the tears slowly sliding down my face.

  “You called it off? I can’t believe this. Less than three weeks until the big day, and you decide to have a break down and selfishly call of your wedding! Brad must be devastated, the poor man. Charlene, how could you be so cruel? Don’t you have any care or consideration for anyone but yourself? This is so typical of you!”

  Adam opened his mouth to interject, but I quickly placed my hand on his arm and shook my head. This was my battle.

  “I didn’t call it off, Mother! He did!”

  Across the table, Nadine gasped and held her hand over her mouth. “You mean you’re a jilted bride?”

  I could see the smirk on her face even with her bony, thin, witch fingers covering her big collagen-filled mouth. I was about to shoot her a sarcastic remark or venom-filled insult, but Adam quickly jumped in before me.

  “No, she’s dodged a bullet. She’s a survivor.”

  My mother glared at me. “What on Earth did you do, Charlene? Why would he call off the wedding like this? Don’t give me that hurt expression, young lady. I demand to know what it was you did to make that poor man have to call off his wedding.”

  His wedding? His wedding! Was she serious right now? Not only had my mother completely missed the point, she was actually blaming me for it! Tears were now streaming down my face, and I heaved a breath. Then came the sobs.

  “Are you freaking kidding me? You think I caused this? You really are a royal bitch sometimes, Mother. I didn’t do anything. He’s having an affair! He’s been fucking someone else for weeks, probably months! That’s why he called it off. Because he chose her instead!”

  My gran cleared her throat beside me and shook her head. “Well, I warned you that if you gave the merchandise away so freely, no one would buy the store. Once again, no one listens to the rambling old woman.”

  My mother glared at her. “Oh, do shut up, Mother! This is none of your concern!”

  Cool, calm, and as straight as a ruler, Gran gave my mother a large dose of her own medicine. “When it comes to marriage, men, and keeping one, you, my dear daughter, have no opinion or advice worth hearing. Pregnant by a married man who decided his thirty year old wife was preferable to his twenty year old fling. First husband up and died on you, and the second decided you really weren’t worth the trouble. Tell me, where do you feel you earned the right to weigh in on anyone’s relationship?”

  My mother’s mouth pressed into a hard line, and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Nadine leaned over and wh
ispered something in Gareth’s ear. Gran caught her, and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of glee as her poison took aim at Miss Perfect. “And you, Miss Boobs-Bigger-Than-Her-Brain, just because you found a husband stupid enough to put up with your shit, doesn’t mean that Charlene should settle for anything less than what she deserves. Gareth certainly deserves you. I do wonder sometimes if his brains are buried somewhere in those unsightly, and quite frankly, unnaturally large arms of his. He’s as thick as two large tree trunks and is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. You’re for decoration and ornamental purposes, and don’t ever imagine you’re anything more. You’d be terribly disappointed in the big scheme of things. Dress it up however you want dear, but you look like Barbie and Ken on steroids.”

  Adam tried to muffle his laughter as Gran winked at him. Turning her attention to me, she pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to me. “Now, clean yourself up, hold your head high, and move on. You’ve had a lucky escape. Imagine actually marrying that slimy waste of oxygen. I never did like that toad of a man. He was all mouth and not enough cock and balls. Girl needs a man who will fight for her and fuck her into the ground.”

  “Mother!” My mother’s jaw almost hit the table as she gawped at my gran who simply shrugged.

  “What? You all think that just because I’m old, I don’t know a thing or two about sex? Good Lord. You’d think your generation invented the stuff. I hate to break it to you, but while you were learning to walk, young lady, I was crawling around on all fours. Your father had a cock like a battering ram and more energy than a Duracell bunny.”

  Adam blushed a deep shade of red while Gareth and Nadine gawped in horror at the eighty two year old woman currently giving me visions that I would, no doubt, end up describing to a therapist later. I held my hands over my face and shook my head in disbelief.

  “Charlene, you’ll be just fine. And, if all else fails, you can always marry the doctor.” She patted Adam’s arm and gave him another quick wink. Running my hands over my red, blotchy, and tear-stained face, I groaned. “Well, this has been wonderful as usual. It’s always nice to see you all. Thank God we only do it once a year. Thank you, once again, for the support during this awful time. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an oven begging me to stick my head inside it. Goodbye and Merry Christmas.”