Diary of a Dieter Read online

  Closing my eyes and shaking my head, I wished the ground would swallow me whole. But it didn’t. Gareth gave me a confused look.

  “I’m sorry, I thought you and Adam were …”

  “No, no, no, no, no, no,” we both chanted.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend. It’s just … I saw you in the bar and the way you were together over dinner just seemed so … familiar. Comfortable even.”

  Adam gave me a broad smile.

  “We’ve been together a long time, but purely in a platonic sense. Don’t worry, you’re not the only one to ever make that assumption.”

  Dana gave me an apologetic look.

  “Sorry,” she mouthed. I threw her a quick smile before pushing my chair away from the table, sighing loudly.

  “On that note, I’m going to find a bar, sit in it, and drink ‘til I either ferment or fall down. Who’s joining me?”

  Getting to their feet, Ness and Adam both accepted my invitation while Dana stood staring down at Gareth who, yes, was also standing. I was right. At least two feet between them. Giving her a sweet smile, he offered his arm, which she awkwardly accepted, and the two of them led the way out of the restaurant.

  “Come, I know just the place for us!” Gareth shouted back. Dana glanced behind her at the three of us and pleaded with her eyes for some help, but all we could do was smile encouragingly and try extremely hard, not to laugh. This evening was beginning to look up. Just like Gareth to Dana.

  * * * *

  Three bars later, I was done. Dana had been trying desperately to give poor, love-struck Gareth the brush off for hours. Ness had drunk her weight in vodka tonic, and the weight of my fourteen stone body was beginning to wreak havoc on my feet. Ness had ensured that I had the complete Cinderella outfit, which included a pair of ridiculously high and fragile re-enforced glass slippers. They were so fragile, in fact, that as we left the last bar, Ness had staggered into me, caught my elbow, swung me around and almost off of my feet. Thankfully, Adam had caught us both, but not before I had clipped my shoe on a protruding piece of concrete. The heel, naturally, shattered into pieces, and I was left hobbling for the rest of the evening. Teetering and tottering across the street toward our hotel, I was forced to grip Adam’s arm for support.

  He had obviously realised the pain I was in because as we approached the harbour, yes, man-made harbour for theme purposes, he suggested we have a little rest.

  Dangling my legs over the edge of the jetty, I moaned loudly as I pulled off my one remaining slipper. My feet throbbed. And not that little ache you get after dancing in stilettoes all night—oh no. I’m talking pulsating, red hot, walked over hot coals kind of pain! If I had dipped a toe in the water it would have sizzled like a steak into a hot pan.

  Adam chuckled beside me. “Well, this is certainly an interesting evening.”

  I gave him a puzzled and slightly irritated look. I found nothing interesting about it at all. I was in perky, colourful hell!

  “Well, first you lose your glass slipper, Cinders. Dana has been hounded all evening by quite possibly the tiniest twenty-three year old I have ever seen. I mean, under four foot, does he count as a dwarf or a midget? And then there’s Vanessa. Drinking like a fish, dressed like one, and now totally legless and swimming around in the giant fountain. Proper fish out of water, that girl.”

  I turned around and caught sight of my red wig-wearing friend splashing around in the large and elegant water fountain. Apparently, she had sat down to remove her flippers and had fallen backward in to the damn thing. It wasn’t that she was swimming as such, but more that she just couldn’t get back up again. As long as her head was above water, I wasn’t concerned. Dana, on the other hand, was trying to wish little Gareth good night, but he insisted on walking her to the hotel. He was a little full on, and the last straw had come while we were sipping cocktails in a tiki-themed bar. Leaning across the table, one hand in hers while the other tried casually to slide up her yellow, puffy, nylon dress, he professed his undying lust for her! The air was blue with the filthy things that horny little dwarf wanted to do to my friend. It took all my strength not to punch him and all of Ness’s to stop Adam from doing it. Dana merely blushed, shook her head and said, “That all sounds … different, but I think I’ll pass.” But he clearly saw this as a challenge. Poor Dana never stood a chance. He followed us to every bar we went to and tried endlessly to serenade her.

  Holding my head in my hands, I groaned. “This is a nightmare. When did my life come to this? I mean, where did I go wrong?”

  Draping an arm around my shoulder, Adam shrugged.

  “I don’t think it was you who did anything wrong, Charlie. It was that arse-hat Brad. You were way out of his league. There’s punching above your weight, and then there’s bringing a ping-pong racket to a boxing match. You know you’re likely to get it shoved up your arse.”

  I giggled a little at the thought. “Yeah, well, I still said yes when he proposed. I thought I knew him. I thought he loved me and that we’d spend the rest of our lives together, but it turns out I was just a wench to cook, clean, and wait for him to come home while he fucked his entire office. And here I am. Sitting in a fake harbour, in a ridiculous dress, minus one shoe, looking like the world’s worst princess and what’s more, totally prince-less.”

  “You just feel bad now. It will pass. But you have to admit; wallowing in your apartment for two weeks wasn’t the smartest move to help you get through this. I mean, did you even see in the New Year?”

  I nodded. “Of course I did. Lying on the sofa, cat beside me for company, and a mini heart attack in the form of my meal of a burger and fries. I passed out right before the bell struck the final time on midnight.”

  Adam rolled his eyes. “Pitiful. You really are determined to let him win, aren’t you? Well, I’m not. Where is my Charlie? The no shit, no mess, and never give up girl who I met in a school gymnasium all those years ago? I miss her. That fuckwit has dragged every last piece of her out, and I’ve spent the entire time picking them up and holding on to them ‘til you’re ready to put yourself back together. Now, are you still the same Charlie that kicked the crap outta James Hill or not?”

  I thought for a moment about the person I had become since meeting Brad—weak, easily led, good little mouse-wife in training. Who the hell was I? Cleaning, ironing, and starching his pants was not the way I had envisioned living my life and yet, somehow, that’s exactly where I had ended up. And while I was losing myself, he was finding Aneska! Growling, I got to my feet and stomped loudly. I was going to have a tantrum, and I didn’t care how ridiculous I looked. I yelled, roared, and stamped around like a five year old.

  “That dickwad ruined my life! He swans in, turns my world on its head, and I let him do it! Argh! That’s it!”

  Unzipping my extremely uncomfortable dress, I pulled it down, kicked it off and flung it into the water below. Standing in my underwear, I suddenly realised how cold it was, and Adam must have, too. I don’t know if it was the goose pimples on my skin or the fact that my nipples were so hard they could have cut bricks, but he immediately removed his jacket and wrapped me in it.

  “You’re nuts. But I love you. So, what’s the plan, Wonder Woman?”

  Smiling for the first time in a long while, I began reeling off the list of self-help steps I had mentally noted.

  “Number one, lose some damn weight! I don’t even recognise myself in the mirror anymore. Number two, go on lots of dates and have lots of hot, dirty, and raunchy sex. I’m sick of sterile, boring, missionary Brad sex! And number three, have some damn fun! When did I become so boring? I’m Charlene Winters! I’m the girl that won an All-You-Can-Eat contest in L.A. I’m the girl who bungee jumped with her best friend for his birthday. I’m the girl who wing-walked at the local air display! No, it’s about time I did some dumping myself. Goodbye boring, Brad-beaten, frumpy Charlene. Hello, Charlie!”

  Swinging me around, Adam squeezed me tightly. “There’s my girl! God, I�
��ve fucking missed you!”

  Giggling, I hugged him back. “I love you, Adam. What would I do without you?”

  Putting me back onto my feet, he nodded across the way at Dana and Ness.

  “Probably end up like them.”

  I laughed and shook my head. “We should probably go and rescue them. You take Snow White and her horn dog dwarf, and I’ll take the Little Mermaid over there.”

  Nodding, he took my hand and led me away from the harbour, away from the disgusting floating dress, and away from the old Charlene. Adam wasn’t the Prince Charming I was searching for, but he was the one I needed right now.

  Chapter 6

  Walking back into my apartment, I winced at the thought of what might be waiting for me. Almost immediately darting for the door, through my feet and down the stairs, Jacob had clearly had a rough few days. I glanced around the apartment, and my stomach churned. Sleeping on the couch, her glasses at the tip of her nose, and the ‘hot guys for mature ladies’ channel playing, Gran snored loudly.

  Making a beeline for the TV, I quickly switched it off and breathed a sigh of relief before the next instalment of Granny Humpers started. I shivered at the thought of what the hell may have gone on while I was gone. With the bottles of Bailey’s and dozens of empty chocolate wrappers on the floor, it looked like a bombsite.

  I tried desperately to creep past, but as I rolled my case through my littered lounge, it hit a rogue bottle, and the old woman sharply grunted and woke up.

  “Oh, you’re back.”

  I gave her a smile. “Yep. How was … everything?” I nudged an empty box of chocolate creams on the floor with my foot, and I was almost certain I heard something squeak.

  “How was what? It’s only a cat, Charlene. Give a stroke, stuff it now and again, and it purrs for hours just like any other pussy.”

  I cringed. My Gran was the most crass creature you could ever meet, but she was usually right on the ball. I used to tell my friends that she behaved this way because she was senile, ‘til she overheard me one day and decided to call my bluff. She waltzed down our living room stairs in her knickers and began loudly singing show tunes. My mother almost had a heart attack when she started a chorus of “I’m too sexy.”

  “I see Jacob was keen to get out. You were letting him out, weren’t you, Gran?” I asked, knowing the answer.

  “Letting him out? Do I look like his concierge? I left the window open, and if he’s too lazy to jump, that’s his problem. Pushy, posh, pompous, pissed off pussy.”

  I rolled my eyes and began gathering up the debris that was scattered across the apartment.

  “Well, thanks anyway.”

  Hoisting her arse from the sofa, she waddled over to my phone.

  “Thank you nothing. Four days, cable TV, food, drink, and a vibrator—I never had to leave the house! Bliss.”

  A little vomit made its way up my throat and I had to force myself not to be violently sick. A vibrator? Surly she …

  I stared at my couch in horror. Yes, she probably did, and I would now be sterilising my entire apartment as though Brad and I had been having sex all over it. He really was a freak of nature with his severe germ phobia.

  “Well, that’s my cab ordered. I take it you had an enlightening break?” Pulling her cardigan around her, she gave me an inquisitive smile.

  “It was eye opening. I spent a lot of time with Adam, and that was definitely what I needed.”

  She grinned wildly. “Ah, so the doctor finally gave you that physical you’ve been needing, eh? Did he show you his equipment? Good, was it? I bet he’s a right horny little bugger. The quiet ones are usually the best. They don’t say much, but they screw you so hard that you feel like you’ve been hit by a bus right between your thighs.”

  “Gran! No, he didn’t. God, for the last time, Adam is my best friend, and that’s as far as it will ever go.”

  Huffing, she shook her head at me. “You poor, naive, under-sexed, and overly cautious girl. You really are as blind as a beggar. There’s a perfectly good specimen of a man hanging around you like a puppy, and there’s you acting like a bitch in heat and ignoring the dog that’s been dry humping your leg for years. And they say I’m senile.”

  I sighed and ran my hands over my face. Gran had always been convinced that I should end up with Adam. The truth was, she had always liked him, and as he got older, she would often comment on his striking good looks. Though I struggled to see what it was she saw in him, it became her mission to get the two of us shacked up and shagging. I had come to the conclusion that the old bag was living vicariously through me. But Adam was my friend, and there was no force on Earth that was going to change that. Boyfriends, girlfriends, and a fiancé had passed between us, but our bond was the strongest relationship either of us had ever had.

  After seeing her downstairs and safely into her cab, I returned to my empty apartment and threw a sheet over my sofa before slumping down onto it. Jacob had snuck in while I was cramming Gran into the car and was now snuggled happily beside me. Lifting him up and onto my lap, I groaned.

  “Seems I’m not the only one who needs a diet, fat boy. I hope you’re ready for this. We, my little munchkin, are going to get fit, healthy, and laid. Well, I’m sure you have no trouble with the ladies, stud—if that God awful screeching outside my window every evening is any indication. Just don’t expect me to be happy when some little queen turns up with ten kittens. I’m not feeding your mistakes.”

  Looking up at me, he sighed and quickly made himself comfortable before falling asleep. Turning on the TV, I grabbed a notepad from beside the sofa and began jotting down some ideas to help me achieve my new goals. By the time I had finished, three things were clear. First, I really didn’t know much about dieting at all, considering I’d spent most of my life the size of a bean pole. Second, Jacob had clearly been at Gran’s bottles or else had befriended a nice Irish man. And third, this was going to be a long process.

  * * * *

  “You want me to do what?” Dana squeaked down the phone.

  “Fitness classes. Oh, come on, Dana. It’ll be fun. Remember when we were in college? We used to work out together all the time.”

  “We did that to meet guys. Who the hell are we going to meet going to those things you suggested? It’s a room full of middle-aged women jiggling their muffins around. I think I’ll pass.”

  Pouting, I began pleading. “Oh, please, Dana. You know I’d do it for you. Besides, you owe me one.”

  She gasped. “I do not! When, what for?”

  “Danny Bowman. You wanted to dump him to go out with Matthew Giles and couldn’t bear to see the poor bastard cry. So who took him out, sweetened him up, and then broke the awful news to him?”

  “That was six years ago! And you had sex with him!”

  I cleared my throat and shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Admittedly, sleeping with him hadn’t been part of the plan, but it got her off the hook. Poor Danny was so guilt ridden the next day that he confessed the whole thing to Dana, who I had already told, and she got to dump him for cheating. Totally guilt free break-up.

  “At the same time you were knocking boots with his roommate! Don’t get high and mighty with me. I took one for the team. We both know Danny wasn’t the greatest lover. I was sore for days. I’m sure he thought oral sex meant actually eating me!”

  She chuckled a little, and I knew I had won.

  “Oh, all right. Fine, I’ll go, but if I see so much as one flabby arse cheek burst out of its tight shorts, I’m out.”

  “I’ll wear something baggier,” I offered.

  “Very funny. You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”

  Glancing at myself in the mirror, I rolled my eyes at my dumpling reflection. “Like a heart attack.”

  Which is what I was probably a doughnut away from if I didn’t get my arse into gear and into a gym.

  “When do you go back to work?” she asked, knowing well enough that I was trying desperately not to th
ink about it. Walking into the office would be the biggest challenge I had faced yet. Everyone had been invited to my now-cancelled wedding, and they would all know why I had taken a leave of absence. The morning catwalk down the hall would be filled with whispers, sympathetic looks, and comforting hands on my shoulder. Not to mention the mail clerk Henry trying desperately to accidentally feel me up. Twenty-seven years old, and built like a brick house, you’d think he was getting more action than a gigolo, but yet he insisted on squeezing past me in corridors, leaning across me at tables and inevitably, brushing my boobs as he did so. I’d have filed a complaint against him, except recently, it was the only form of sexual contact I was getting on a regular basis.

  “Tomorrow. Urgh, don’t make me go,” I begged. Yes, begged. I was that desperate and let’s be honest, I wasn’t exactly at the top of my game. Cut me some slack.

  “I think it will be good for you. Some … normality back in your life. You’ve got a golden opportunity to re-invent yourself. New look, new man, and new promotion? You said it yourself, your boss loves you, and she’s always giving you great artists to work with. Aim high and snag the next big act that walks into that office. You’ll be made partner before you know it!”

  I pondered for a moment. I was the best we had. And acts were even beginning to request that I be their publicist and all-around go-to girl. Maybe I could ask for a promotion, or at least hint at it.

  “You might be on to something there.”

  “Of course I am! You, Charlene, are the most ambitious, hardworking, and glamorous woman I know. You are gonna bounce back from this stronger, fitter, hotter, and more amazing than ever. I know it. Brad is going to rue the day he let you slip through his fingers. His scrotum will hit the floor when he sees you. That cock-sucking, dick-riding, cowgirl, Aneska, has nothing on you.”

  I gave a small chuckle. “Okay Tonto. I gotta go. I’ll see you on Friday? Three o’clock.”