Diary of a Dieter Read online

  It had been a good thing that I had kept that rubber ring from my pole dancing mishap handy. It was still serving as a doughnut for my poor behind. It felt as though I was passing lava these days. On the plus side, I’d dropped another fourteen pounds. I hadn’t yet been running with Adam, and I knew he was beginning to get frustrated. I simply wasn’t ready for all that panting, sweating, and straining. I was doing enough of that in the bathroom. I wasn't a runner. It wasn't that I lacked the motivation. It was more the fact that my thighs rubbed together so much that I was sure they'd end up setting my lady bush on fire!

  Sitting on my sofa, I inhaled deeply. It had been five months since Brad had dumped me, and it still stung just as bad—almost as bad as my own arsehole right now. I’d managed to rid the entire apartment and my life from any memorabilia of my time with Brad. In fact, Jacob was all that remained, but I wasn’t going to hold it against him. His affiliation with the enemy wasn’t enough to condemn him. Besides, he was the only male that seemed able to live with me long term. I’d had no inclination to date or ‘get back in game’ as Dana had put it, but I had to admit … I was getting a little lonely.

  I glanced at the refrigerator. The lure of the Ben and Jerry’s was beginning to call to me. I had almost given in to my temptation when, as if by magic intervention, my phone began vibrating beside me. Picking it up, I smiled at the irony of the caller.

  “Hi, Adam.”

  “Hey, Charlie. How’s it going?”

  I cringed and thought about telling him about my new detox but decided there was some things even your best friend didn’t need to know.

  “Actually, you just saved me from crashing. I’m a little down, and junk food was looking really good.”

  He chuckled. “A little now and then is fine. But I’m assuming you were talking a full on binge.”

  “As if there’s any other way to eat junk? Anyway, what’s up, Doc?”

  He gave a frustrated and long sigh. “I’ve gotta get out of my place by the end of the day. The whole building is being fumigated. Apparently, my neighbor died, and they didn’t find the body ‘til this morning. I just thought he was being lazy and not cleaning his place again. I didn’t think the smell was … him.”

  I gasped. “Oh my God. That’s awful. That poor guy.”

  He hummed in agreement. “C’est la vie. When it’s your time to go, it’s your time, I guess. Anyway, the reason I called was … well … I was wondering …”

  I rolled my eyes. “You know you can stay here. I don’t know why you even thought you had to ask. I’ll make up the spare room, and you bring the pizza. I’ll see you in an hour?”

  I could almost hear him smile. “You’re the best, Charlie.”

  Hanging up, I gingerly stood from the sofa and waddled over to the spare room. No one had used it since Gran had stayed, and after scrubbing the entire apartment with disinfectant, I was fairy satisfied that it was fit for Adam to stay in. I placed blue sheets on the double bed and a picture of the four of us on the bedside table. The thought of having my best friend under the same roof as me for the first time in ten years was exciting. I felt like a teenager again. Adam had spent three weeks staying with me when my father had died. He refused to leave my side until he was sure I was able to function or at least eat without him constantly pecking at me. And truth be told, I had missed him when he’d left. This was going to be fun and a chance to spend some quality time with him without Ness and Dana.

  * * * *

  “You can’t possibly be unpacking still! This pizza is going to be stone cold if you don’t hurry up!” I yelled through to Adam. He’d arrived quickly and had immediately handed the pizza box over to me before heading to the spare room to unpack the two large suitcases he’d dragged behind him.

  “I’m almost done. You don’t have to wait for me. You can totally dig in,” he shouted back.

  I eyed the large box and bit my lip to stop myself from drooling. “No, I need you to stop me from inhaling the entire thing,” I confessed.

  I heard him laugh and smiled to myself. Adam had a laugh that warmed your insides. A deep, husky, and totally sexy laugh. If I’d never seen him or known him, his laugh would have had my knickers snapping and dropping purely on their own. Running my fingers through my hair, I closed my eyes tightly. What the hell was I doing? Was I that hard up?

  The phone rang over on the kitchen counter, and I was grateful for the distraction from my inappropriate thoughts about my friend. Well, that was until I answered.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, Chicken.”

  I groaned and held my hand over the receiver.

  “Hi, Gran. How’s it going?”

  “I’m in my eighties, Charlene. Everything goes south.”

  I cringed at the thought. “Thanks for the insight. I meant to say, what can I do for you?”

  “I need to ask that nice Doctor for a favour. Can you get him to call me? I’ve been trying all day, but I’m not getting anywhere,” she complained.

  “He’s not home. He’s … staying elsewhere.” I decided to grant Adam at least a little privacy. But that was short lived. Waltzing out of the spare room, he threw a cushion at me, and grinned, reaching for the pizza box.

  “Are you going to be gassing on that all evening or do you want to eat?” he teased.

  I glared at him and gestured for him to be quiet. Making a cut-throat movement, I indicated that one more word and I would be forced to kill him.

  “Oh, Charlene. You bad girl. Is that him I hear now?”

  I sighed and ran my hand over my face.

  “Yes, Gran. He’s staying here for a while.”

  She tittered wickedly. “Finally shacked up with him, eh? About time. I wondered how long it would take you two to give in to your urges.”

  Grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator, I hurled it at Adam who caught it in one hand. He didn’t even stop eating.

  “Gran, for the last time, he’s my friend. He has been for the past twenty years.”

  She huffed. “Foreplay. He’s just been waiting for you to ripen up so that he can give you a good squeeze and suck on that juice!”

  I wanted to vomit. My stomach was already a little delicate, and it was now rolling like a hurricane. “Gran, stop,” I pleaded.

  “Nonsense. Honestly, at your age, your bed should be rocking more than Fred Flintstone’s! Make like a bunny and hop on him before someone else does.”

  “I’m going to hang up on you, I mean it.”

  She tutted, and it irked me. Gran was still insistent that Adam and I hook up. I swear the woman was sex mad and senile.

  “Fine, fine. Don’t come crying to me when he’s found some long-legged bosom pillow. Now, if you’d hand me over to him, I have a favour to ask.”

  Holding out the phone, I gestured at Adam to get up. “She wants to ask you for something.”

  He winced. “Oh, I dread to think.”

  Putting down his slice of pizza, he wiped his hands on his faded denim jeans and took the phone from me.

  “Hey, Grammy. How’s my best girl?”

  I made a vomiting motion and stuck my fingers down my throat in jest. Adam simply winked and smiled.

  “Uh huh. Okay … I see. Well, come by on Monday, and I’ll get one of the team to take a look for you. Don’t worry. It’s not a problem. Be there at eight, and I’ll get you seen bright and early. Okay, take care. Bye.”

  Hanging up, he placed the receiver back on the stand and strolled over to resume his spot on the sofa. I folded my arms and tapped my foot impatiently.

  “Well? What did she want?”

  Looking up from the TV, he shrugged. “Nothing much. Just needs some medical stuff chasing up. Don’t worry about it.”

  I gave him a suspicious look, but he seemed unfazed. Cautiously making my way back over, I continued to eye him carefully. He grabbed my hand and yanked me hard onto the doughnut.

  “I told you, it’s just some stuff she wants chasing. Probably fo
r her insurance and stuff. Now eat.”

  Raising an eyebrow, I settled down and began shoveling a slice of ham and mushroom pizza down my throat. It was heaven. I could almost hear my hips crying in defeat, but I didn’t care. I knew they said that nothing tasted as good as skinny felt, but holy fuck, this was pretty good.

  Adam leaned back and draped his arm around my shoulders.

  “This is nice. I like this—me and you, pizza, and the TV. It feels so comfortable and natural. Like we’ve been doing it forever.” He beamed.

  I giggled and a few tiny specks of pizza flew from my mouth.

  “We have been doing it forever. Friday nights were pizza and a movie night, remember?”

  He shook his head before resting it on his outstretched arm. “Not once you met Brad. You kinda went off radar for a long time. You changed a lot. I missed you, baby girl.”

  I let out a long and rueful sigh. “I know. I think I lost myself somewhere between germ-free sex and weekends at swanky bars for cocktails with his colleagues or the boss he was arse kissing. I’m sorry. I promise, while you’re here, we’ll make up for all of that lost time. I swear it on my cat.”

  Adam chuckled as Jacob climbed lazily through the window and curled up beside his shoulder on the back of the sofa.

  “Well, we wouldn’t want anything to ruin his cosy little lifestyle. I’ll hold you to it.”

  I nodded and held out my hand. “Shake on it?”

  Taking my palm, his held it tightly and leaned in. His lips brushed my cheek gently as he placed a small kiss on my jaw. My body shuddered, and a prickling sensation shot down my spine. I jumped in my seat and then hurried to the bathroom.

  Gazing in the mirror, I panted. What the hell was that?

  “Charlie, are you all right?” Adam called from the living room.

  Opening the door slightly, I yelled back to him. “Yeah, I’m fine, just, you know, when you gotta go … you gotta go.”

  I tried to sound nonchalant, but inside, I was shaking. What was happening to me? First, his hands on my thighs, then me staring at his chest through his shirt, and now this! I was either going crazy, or I was so desperate to get my coochie filled, that my body was even considering Adam as a perspective plumber! My pipes were getting rusty, and the next part of my self-help plan was going to have to come into effect sooner than I’d thought. Operation: Get Me a Man was in effect immediately.

  Chapter 11

  “A dating site? Charlene, sweetie, those things are for the desperate, the unattractive and workaholics. You are none of those things.”

  Still tapping away at my laptop, I ignored Ness’s rant about internet match-making.

  “I mean, what if you meet a guy and he’s a total creep?”

  Beside me, Dana smirked over the rim of her coffee cup. “She could meet one of those anywhere, Vanessa. The internet is just a bigger pond.”

  Rolling my eyes, I placed the machine on the table and slumped back onto the sofa.

  “There. Done. I’m now officially fishing for a man. I just hope one bites.”

  Ness hurried over from the kitchen and grabbed the laptop with a ferocious interest.

  “Oh, God. You really are doing this, aren’t you?”

  I nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, I am. It’s time you came crawling into the twenty-first century. Dating sites are not just for creeps, weirdoes, and workaholics. It’s for people who want to meet away from the toxic environments.”

  She eyed me suspiciously. “Toxic environments?”

  “Yes, toxic. Bars, clubs—anywhere that serves booze basically. I mean, come on. How many guys have we dated between us that we met in one of those places?”

  Dana cringed. “Too many to count.”

  Turning to her, I placed my hand on her shoulder gently.

  “And they all turned out to be total jerks or one night wonders.”

  Ness fisted a hand on her hip while balancing my fragile laptop on the other.

  “I take offence to that. Gary, for instance, was a great guy. He was sweet, handsome, fun, not too clingy, and he spoiled me rotten.”

  Dana threw her head back and laughed, earning her a stern and irritated glare from Vanessa. Getting to my feet, I made my way to the kitchen and shook my head.

  “Vanessa. He was married!” I threw back at her over my shoulder.

  She huffed loudly. “That doesn’t make him a bad person.”

  I gawped at her with my mouth open wide. “It makes him a slimeball! He was easily ten years your senior, and you were his little weekend romp when he was on business. How can you think that a guy like that isn’t toxic?”

  I rolled my eyes with exasperation. Ness was gorgeous, intelligent, and successful, but she truly had the worst taste in men.

  “Maybe Charlene has a point. I know that I haven’t dated anyone in a long time because I’m sick and tired of the same routine. Boy meets girl in a bar. Boy buys several drinks for girl and then makes his move. Girl then wakes up in a stranger’s bed, with beer breath on her face and a horrible feeling of self-loathing. If she’s lucky, she leaves with his number,” Dana stated.

  “Because he wants a repeat performance the next time he’s drunk and horny. Usually a Saturday night around two in the morning,” I interrupted.

  Dana gestured over at me with one outstretched palm. “My point exactly. So, she tries a little online bar hopping, but without the loud music, booze, and endless hours of scanning the crowd. These guys come to you. You have all of their vital statistics here so it makes weeding out the undesirables even easier.”

  I nodded in agreement as I took a sip of the coffee that had been sitting on the kitchen counter since Ness had made it. I’d been so caught up with making my profile appealing, food, drink, and sustenance was a secondary thought. I’d been as honest as possible while blurring some minor details such as my weight, and I decided to leave out the whole ‘works for a major record company’ part. The last thing I wanted was rejection based on my career success. When I’d met Brad, I was the office junior. I was pretty sure Regina had taken me on out of pure pity back then. I was a young, ambitious, and overly keen temp. I would run errands like a lunatic and practically became her slave.

  One day, she’d made a lunch date with one of her many boy toys. She had been gone for around half an hour when her husband showed up with an enormous bunch of flowers. I was mortified. Regina’s diary contained all of her appointments, and when I say all, I mean booty calls, too. I’d been sitting at my desk, stuffing a chicken sandwich in my mouth when I’d spotted him waltzing toward her office. I knew her diary would be wide open on her desk, and if he saw it, he’d know that she was probably in a similar position at that time. Throwing my sandwich in the trash, I bolted across the office, past Mr. Littman, and through the office door. He must have thought I was crazy, but as I crammed the contents of Regina’s desk into her draw, locked it, and crammed the key into my bra, I looked up to find him raising an eyebrow at me in confusion. I brushed myself down, strolled over to the door and released the breath I’d been holding with relief. He caught me, and in a moment of brilliance, I rolled my eyes and smiled.

  “Lunch deadline on a report. She’s a slave driver, but I like the challenge.”

  He smiled back at me and nodded. “Good workers are hard to find.”

  And somehow, Regina and I both got away with it. She’d been so grateful when she’d arrived back at the office, she promoted me to Assistant Contracts Advisor on the spot. I was thrilled. I’d rushed home in a stupor from pure excitement. I assumed Brad would be thrilled, too, but when I told him, his immediate reaction was to enquire how much money I would be making. Safe to say, my five-figure salary was marginally higher than his, and he was suddenly irked for the rest of the evening. I should have realised even then that he was a good for nothing butt-munch, but I was in love. It’s not as though I was the first to be blinded by the stuff. Though on reflection, I wasn’t just blinded by it, I’d clearly spent the entire relationship
in a loved-up coma!

  I began wondering what Brad’s online profile might say and sniggered. Clean freak with a severe germ phobia might not have attracted many perspective bed harlots. God only knows how he managed to find one to have an affair with. I had been with him for three years before it became an apparent problem so by then, I was already invested. Aneska was a newbie to sterile sex. Or maybe she was just as weird. I shuddered at the thought of their two bodies, lubed up with alcohol cleansing gel and Brad slipping on condoms as thick as tree trunks.

  “You’ve got a message! Oh my goodness! Charlene, you got a bite!”

  Pulling me out of my daydream, Dana bounced up and down excitedly on the sofa. I clicked the small envelope icon and cringed. There were five messages in my inbox, and as I began scrolling, it became evident that at least three were definitely not prospective dates. Enlarging the pictures in each, Ness, Dana, and I winced and made disgusted noises.

  “That’s disgusting. I mean it’s wonky, and it’s almost at a total right angle. Was he fucking around corners?” Dana snapped. Pulling the laptop toward her, Ness quickly sat between us and opened a message that appeared to be more about conversation than penis exposure and began reading the damn thing aloud.

  “Hi there, Charlene. I’m James. I’m twenty-four, live on the outskirts of London and I work as a mechanic. Urgh, Charlene, he’s a grease monkey. Delete …”

  Grabbing the laptop from her hands, I scowled. “No! There’s nothing wrong with mechanics.”

  Dana giggled. “Skilled hands that fiddle with the inner workings of machinery all day? Sounds great. Especially considering Charlene’s cogs could do with a good spin.”

  She shot me a playful wink, and I chuckled.

  “I work at my family garage, and when I saw your profile, I just had to get in touch. I’d love to get to know you. Maybe you could send me an email and we could have a chat?” I continued.