Diary of a Dieter Read online

  Now he panicked. “It’s what? Well, how do I get it off? It’s all over the place! I can’t even get the condom off because the damn stuff is all tangled in my undergrowth!”

  I grimaced and tried again to free myself. “Haven’t you ever heard of man-scaping, and why the hell did you go in my cabinet in the first place!?”

  He grunted. “I was looking for lube!”

  “Well, clearly you didn’t find it!”

  He was almost crying by now as he tried frantically to get away. If the denture fixer hadn’t done it, his current emotional state had now certainly killed my buzz.

  “Oh God! What are we going to do? Do something, Charlene!”

  I placed my hands on his shoulders and pulled myself up.

  “You’re going to have to carry me over to the phone. It’s on the table beside the bed. Nodding, he made a heaving sound as he carried me over, and we both fell onto the bed. Grabbing the phone, I dialled the only person I could think of who might be able to help.

  “Doctor Fitz, how can I help you?”

  I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath.

  “Hi, Adam. It’s me.”

  “Charlie? I thought you were on a date?”

  I sighed deeply and cast my eyes at James who was hovering over me.

  “Yeah, well, things got complicated and don’t say I told you so. Anyway, the reason I called is … I wondered, do you know what un-fixes denture glue?”

  He let out a soft chuckle.

  “Why on Earth would you need to do that?”

  I thought quickly.

  “Jacob managed to get it all over his paws. Gran left some here.”

  He laughed loudly. “Serves him right. Curiosity killed the cat and all that.”

  I was beginning to lose my patience. I was sticky, frustrated, and glued to a man who was crying over the current ripping out of his pubic hairs.

  “Adam, the cure, please?”

  He coughed and cleared his throat. “Sorry. Only one thing for it, I suppose. A warm bath. He won’t like it, but it’ll loosen the glue and then some good old soap and water will do the rest.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. Visions of James and me strolling into the hospital with the old ‘I slipped and fell’ excuse was not high on my list of things to do before I die.

  “Thank you. Thank you so much! I’ll see you later, bye!”

  Hanging up before he had a chance to question me further, I turned my attention to James. “We have to have a bath. Quick, carry me to the bathroom.”

  He groaned. “Seriously? Do you realise how heavy you are?”

  I immediately began wriggling and writhing around, forcing a few more of his precious hairs to become instantly plucked from his forest.

  “Ouch! Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

  Picking me up, he carried me to the bathroom where I awkwardly ran us a bath, and we both climbed in with great difficulty.

  So, there we were. Two people who met online, spent three weeks exchanging pleasantries, had an impromptu strip show in a restaurant and were now glued together in a bath tub. I sat, straddling his thighs, and we waited for the glue to begin to dissolve. Neither of us spoke. I’d managed to grab a towel that had been hanging on the bathroom door, and now had it firmly wrapped around myself to hide the rolls and tyres. Not that it made much difference now. I was fairly certain James had little desire to continue our little session. I know I definitely wasn’t looking for a repeat performance.

  After about an hour, we were finally able to pry ourselves apart. James hurried to the bedroom to pull on his clothes while I finished cleaning the bathtub and myself. He didn’t say goodbye, but I heard the front door slam as he left. I wasn’t offended or hurt. I was glad to see him go. If this was what I had to look forward to by dipping my toes into the dating pond, I was severely out of my depth already!

  Chapter 14

  There’s something to be said about London in the spring … it’s busy. Tourists flock to the centre of the capital to take in the sights, and the shops and boutiques suddenly become flush with bright, summery colours and patterns. I hated it. As a fiery redhead, it was nearly impossible for me to find any colour that didn’t instantly make me look as though I was slapped in the face with some white wash paint and had my head set on fire. The Irish blood running through my veins ensured that I had the complexion and skin tone of a china doll.

  Wearing a pair of jeans that I hadn’t been able to cram my arse into for almost a year and a green shirt, I watched the people passing by. I was sitting outside a charming little café. When I had moved to London six years ago, I was in awe of the place. The people, the hustle and bustle of the everyday commute, and the endless streets that were lined with shops. Now, I found it overcrowded, the people seemed rude, and the shops were too expensive. My mother had once suggested that I had outgrown London, but I was pretty sure that it had been her roundabout way of trying to lure me back home.

  Emerging from the café, Vanessa and Dana were animatedly chatting to one another. Handing me a cup of tea, Dana sat opposite me while Ness sat between us.

  “So …” Taking a large sip of her scalding hot coffee, Dana gasped and pressed her lips together before returning her attention to me. “How did your date go?”

  I hadn’t seen the girls in almost a week, and let’s face it, my disastrous date with James wasn’t exactly the type of conversation I wanted to have over the phone.

  Resting my elbow on the table, I leaned my cheek against my fist and ran my finger around the rim of my cup.

  “It didn’t quite go to plan.”

  Ness gave me a quizzical look.

  “What do you mean?”

  I sighed. “Just … we didn’t … connect.”

  That was a lie! We were so connected that evening that we were literally inseparable!

  Dana shrugged. “No spark, huh?”

  I nodded. “Something like that.”

  Ness giggled a little and took a sip of her coffee.

  “That’s not what I heard.”

  I immediately turned my attention to her, curious as to where she could have obtained any information.

  “I heard you two didn’t even make it through dinner.”

  My mouth dropped open in surprise.

  “Where the hell did you get that information from?”

  Dana leaned in closer, clearly eager to hear more.

  “I have my sources. I heard that the two of you spent around fifteen minutes in the restaurant, after you’d tripped and landed in his crotch, that is.”

  I stuttered.

  “I … you … oh dear, God.”

  Hiding my red and embarrassed face in my hands, I shook my head.

  “So, I guess it wasn’t the chemistry that was a problem.” Dana giggled.

  “Was it the biology? Was he tiny? Couldn’t get it up? Too slow with the quick draw, and then too fast with the shooting? Tell us!”

  She was practically bouncing up and down in her seat.

  “It wasn’t like that. He was great. Sexy, hot, he had a great body, and he was a good lover.”

  Ness furrowed her brow.

  “Then what was it?”

  I took a deep breath and lifted my head from my hands.

  “Promise not to laugh?”

  Dana and Ness both shook their heads.

  “Absolutely not,” they chimed.

  I rolled my eyes and began regaling them with my horror story. I didn’t leave out a single detail. From the trip to the denture glue, they listened with looks of sheer hilarity on their faces. When I finally stopped and took a breath, the two of them stared at me in silence as my face heated with embarrassment. The silence didn’t last long as they both immediately burst into fits of laughter. It was loud, belly laughing, and I was utterly mortified as people around us began to stare.

  “Will you two please try to control yourselves?”

  But my plea went unanswered. Dana rocked in her seat while Ness hammered her fist on the table
as the two of them convulsed and cried with laughter.

  “Oh my God, Charlene. That’s hilarious.”

  I stifled a giggle. Their own laughter was infectious, and in hindsight, it was a slightly humorous.

  “You guys, it was awful. He had to carry me to the phone, and I had to call Adam for advice!”

  This prompted yet more hilarity.

  “Adam? You called Adam!” Ness asked through the tears rolling down her face.

  “I told him Jacob had gotten it all over his paws. I couldn’t confess what really happened!”

  Dana held her hand to her chest and took several deep breaths.

  “Did he at least apologise for pumping your vagina with Fixodent?”

  I shook my head. “No. I stayed in the bathroom to clean up, and he made a quick getaway. I haven’t heard from him since, and I don’t want to.”

  “What a jerk! He could at least have said something before he bailed.” Dana had now regained her composure while Ness was wiping the streaks of mascara from her cheeks.

  “Yeah,” Ness interrupted, “he had the nerve to stick his dick in you, but not the courage to face you afterward. Sounds like a lucky escape.”

  I scoffed a laugh. “Ness, I was lucky to get detached from him, let alone escape.”

  Dana laughed lightly as she took another mouthful of her coffee.

  Folding my arms onto the table, I rested my forehead against them and stared at the ground.

  “I am a walking, talking calamity. I’m the unluckiest woman I know—doomed to roam the Earth alone, orgasm-less. It didn’t help that Adam gave me a lecture on internet dating. I swear he’d have me stay celibate for the rest of my life. What is his problem? Every time I get close to a guy, Adam always has to do or say something to fuck it up. Like when I got engaged to Brad. He hardly spoke to me for weeks. He even started scanning every episode of Crime Watch, convinced that Brad was a con-man looking to bankrupt me. The male black widow.”

  Dana patted the back of my head and tutted. “I’m sure he has his reasons.”

  Ness snorted. “Yeah, and we all know what they are.”

  Dana gave her warning glare, but Ness ignored her and rolled her eyes. I eyed them with suspicion, but decided it just wasn’t worth pursuing.

  I slammed my head back down onto my arms as Ness began rummaging in her purse. As I lifted my head to see what she was doing, she pulled out a small business card.

  “Aha! I knew it was here somewhere. Charlene, what exactly is it you’re looking for? Mr. Right? Or Mr. Right Now? Because in my hand, I might just hold the answer to your problems.”

  I eyed her curiously. “I’m listening.”

  Dana peered over at the card and raised her eyebrows. Catching her, Ness tutted disapprovingly.

  “This is a very special card. It will get you into the most exclusive, high-class, swanky and filled to the brim with hot males, bar in London.”

  I reached out my hand to take the card, but she quickly snapped it away and pressed it against her chest.

  “This isn’t the place you go to meet your future husband. This is where you go to find your orgasm.”

  Dana made a grab for the card, but Ness batted her hand away.

  “You kept that place quiet! No wonder you seem to always have a hot, successful, stallion of a man on your arm! You’ve found their hunting ground!” Dana fumed.

  “Ness, I’m not looking for a gigolo.”

  She chuckled and shook her head. “They’re not for hire, Charlene. They’re men who have little time or desire to go chasing after a relationship. They will, however, give you the most memorable night of your life. It’s kind of an invitation-only type of thing. But this card guarantees you entry.”

  “And a sexually transmitted disease, too, by the sounds of it.” Slumped back in her chair and cradling her drink, Dana sulked.

  “Dana, you complain all the time about one-night stands, and casual sex making you feel cheap. If I actually thought you’d have an interest in going there, I would have invited you a long time ago.”

  Dana opened her mouth to respond, but shrugging, she closed it again.

  “So, what do you say, Charlene?”

  Ness held the card between her fingers and rubbed it provocatively with her thumb as she offered it to me.

  I thought for a moment. Did I really want to go to a club, pick up a random guy, have him drag me back to his place and have pornstar-worthy sex all night and then a walk of shame in the morning? The answer was simple: hell yes I did! Swiping the card from Ness’s fingers, I bit my lip as I read it.

  Bar 69. Original, I thought.

  Picking up her cup, Ness grinned. “You won’t regret it, sweetie. The best sex of my life. We’ll go this weekend.”

  Dana sat bolt upright and beamed at Ness.

  Rolling her eyes, Ness smiled. “Yes, Dana. You, Charlene and I will all go together. It’ll be fun. Three lionesses out on the prowl.”

  I wasn’t sure that I classed myself as a lioness, but I was certainly interested in obtaining some juicy piece of meat to play with! My sex drive was going into overload, and I was losing control of the wheel. I needed some satisfaction, and after my sticky situation with James, I was eager to find myself a man with a little less pubic hair and a lot more experience. Maybe Ness’s club wasn’t where I’d find my knight in shining armour, but I could at least ride a few stallions while I waited for his arse to hurry up and sweep me off my feet.

  Besides, I’d been flogging the same dead horse for five years, and Brad was certainly nothing to shout about. He was of average build, ruggedly handsome, and had dark brown hair. For a guy with a need for extreme hygiene and germ precautions, he was also less than attractively hairy. It was a good thing he was opposed to oral sex. When we were first dating, I had gone down on him several times, and on each occasion, I had found myself almost choking on a rogue hair or coughing up a fur ball! Honestly, guys, man-scaping. It’s a girl’s best friend, and what’s more, it makes your junk look bigger and a lot more appealing to us. No pluck, no suck!

  Smiling, I dropped the card into my bag, picked up my cup, and took a long gulp. Ness and Dana both grinned at me.

  “Okay, I’ll go. Who knows, maybe I’ll find myself a real sexpert who can clear my cobwebs for good.”

  Dana cringed while Ness giggled. Internet dating hadn’t panned out too well, and I knew how I preached on about toxic environments, but I was looking for a little bit of toxic right now. Mr. Right was taking too long, and my desire to fulfill my orgasmic needs was outweighing my need for a relationship. It didn’t guarantee you great sex anyhow. The best boyfriend in the world could still be an awful lover, and the biggest arsehole could be the stud you always dreamed of. I was sure it was the reason so many intelligent, successful, and beautiful women ended up with some real losers. I figured they must be totally comatose from the mind-blowing sex. I had never personally been one of these women, though. Sex had never been about the actual pleasure. It was about the relationship or the amount of alcohol I had consumed. One-night stands weren’t really my thing. But there again, neither was being jilted by my fiancé. The new Charlene was changing in many ways. Maybe, this was just one of them, and I hoped it was a change for the better. Either way, I needed to get some action, and I needed it soon … minus the denture glue, of course!

  Chapter 15

  Dressed in my jeans, black halter-top, and a pair of kitten heels, I checked and re-checked my reflection in the mirror. Adam, who had installed three around my apartment, had forcibly lifted my ban on the damn things: one in my bedroom behind the door; one in the bathroom beside the tub; and another on the wall between the kitchen and his room. It was hell. I couldn’t walk freely around the place without the constant reminder of my weight, and I was tempted to tear them down, except I was slightly reluctant to endure twenty-one years of bad luck. I had enough bad luck already; I didn’t need anything else to up the ante.

  Clip-clopping my way into the lounge, I gro
aned. Dieting, exercise, and that awful detox had only managed to rid me of one dress size. Surely, I was doing something wrong! I wasn’t hoping to be a size eight or even a ten. No, I wanted to be curvy, cuddly, and sexy size twelve Charlie again. I loved her. She had a great arse, perky boobs, and cleavage you could get lost in. I’d lost her somewhere when I was busy wrapping tyres of jelly around my waist.

  I made my way to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of mineral water and some leftover chicken salad. If I were going to end up drowning my sorrows tonight, I would rather do it on a full stomach. A strawberry daiquiri is not as much fun when it’s coming back up. I learned that the hard way on my twenty-first birthday. I was just about to stab my fork into a chuck of chicken when Adam breezed in, threw his briefcase on the floor, and slumped down onto the sofa. Jacob, who was curled up at the other end, lifted his head and gave Adam a deathly stare. He was naturally incensed at being woken by this invader.

  Resting my arms on the counter, I lifted my fork and pointed it at him.

  “What’s wrong with you?” I asked, shoving a fork load of lettuce into my mouth.

  He sighed and rubbed his brow. He was still choosing to wear his glasses to work but would frequently ditch them in the evenings for contacts. He said he was trying to allow his eyes the time to adjust before going all in.

  “I hate my job. I hate it.”

  I giggled. “No you don’t, you liar. You love your job.”

  He shrugged. “Not today. I have a shit load of paperwork that still needs doing so it seems my weekend just filled up, and my boss made me stay an extra three hours so that she could go over some inventory with me! That’s the intern’s job. Why did I have to do the damn lists?”

  Poor Adam. He really was blind, even with those thick-rimmed glasses. An idiot could have seen that his boss was crushing on him.

  “So, have it out with her,” I suggested.

  He shook his head. “It’s not worth it. She’s a senior, and I haven’t been in the department long enough to throw my weight around.”

  I nodded in understanding.

  Finishing my salad, I dumped the plate in the sink and skirted around the counter into the lounge. Sitting up and placing his elbows on his knees, Adam gave me a curious look. His brow furrowed as his eyes moved up and down my body.